[In the desert, you see, there is everything and nothing.’
“‘Yes, but explain——’]
“‘Well,’ he said, with an impatient gesture, ‘God is there, man is not.’
I don’t mean to suggest that I loved you the best, I can’t keep track of each fallen robin
yes. the psych ward held such a comfort, because really, how much further could i fall and i was surrounded by so many others in different walks of their lives also at this bottomless pit and we literally had nothing left to lose and we had this bond that ive never really felt with anyone else.
The fear of death haunted me for a year. I cried whenever anyone dropped a glass or broke a plate. But even when that passed, I was left with a sadness that couldn’t be rubbed off. It wasn’t that something new had happened. It was worse: I’d become aware of what had been with me all along without my notice. I dragged this new awareness around like a stone tied to my ankle. Wherever I went, it followed. I used to make up little sad songs in my head. I eulogized the falling leaves.
C-can you hear me?
I can be your china doll
If you want to see me fall.
That night, we peeled fruit and then each other
you licked mango from my mouth where I sunk chin deep
and I tasted bitter tangerine on your tongue when we kissed
loneliness didn’t feel right against my lips so when we emerged
reborn from the fall, aching and hopeful
I knew what it felt to be Eve
lips stung red with cherries and plums
tumbling straight out of heaven into you
wine-like, gentle and frothing
‘do you know what it’s like to hurt?’ You asked me.
Lover, I did not tell you that the very first time I saw you
my body changed itself for the drop
I plummeted down like a loose winged helicopter
hollowed out and new, spilling over the edges with keening cloying
desperation, so I nodded my head and told your cheek
“I know what it’s like to hurt, when we are not close, I am jealous of the air you are breathing,
the way your lungs keep you more than I can
my arms twist themselves into terrible shapes
looking for better ways to hold you.”
What should I do about the wild and the tame? The wild heart that wants to be free, and the tame heart that wants to come home. I want to be held. I don’t want you to come too close. I want you to scoop me up and bring me home at nights. I don’t want to tell you where I am. I want to keep a place among the rocks where no one can find me. I want to be with you.
i may have found my perfect pandora station:
“Anne Murray and Indigo Girls” (lol i know i know BUT IT’S SO GOOD)
The first three songs so far have been Fleetwood Mac- Silver Springs (live), Sarah Mclachlan- Angel, and Total Eclipse of the Heart- Bonnie Tyler.
I'm a desert child
and mountains make me nauseous